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|Radio Control Models Adult Jokes & Fun Section.||Jokes Page 0014|
|Radio Control Models - Jokes Section With Adult Theme.|
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice.
What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
We were taking six children on a camping trip. I
drove the lead car with our gear,
and my husband followed in the station wagon. At a tollbooth,
I realized that we hadn't divided the cash supply, and my husband didn't have any money.
I paid a double toll, explaining to the woman attendant, "I'm paying for the car behind me.
He has all those children and no money."
Without cracking a smile, she replied, "Good! Keep him that way."
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling...Joe"
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me.
The deal was very clear"..."Until death do us part".
Why men don't write advice columns...
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house
watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out
and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bed room with a neighbour lady making
mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him,
he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her
rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he
was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Mrs.. Sheila Black
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the
vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem,
it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So,"
said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this.
You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room;
you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer.
"Go back and live together until your fourth child is born.
Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out.
If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
A Man boards a plane in Sydney:
As he is taking his seat he notices a most beautiful woman boarding.
He realizes she is heading for the seat next to him!!!
As she sits down he starts to make polite conversation and asks is it a business trip or pleasure???
She confirms Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the US as a consultant.
I'm using my experience to debunk the popular myths that exist about sexuality.
Really, he says.
Well she confirms one myth is that the Afro-American is the most weee endowed but in fact it is the native American Indian that leads the way.
It is also a myth that the Frenchman is the most ardent lover, but the facts prove that men from Greek
decent are the leaders in this field but is is also true that the Irish are also the most potent lovers.
Suddenly she becomes very uncomfortable and blushes and says I shouldn't be
discussing these matters with you, I got carried away, I don't even know your name?
The man replies, It is Tonto Papadopolous, but all my friends call me Paddy!!!!!
The mother of a teenage boy was asked by his
headmaster to call in at his office to discuss a serious matter.
When she arrived, the headmaster said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your son came to school yesterday
wearing a print dress, high-heeled court shoes and lipstick!"
"Damn it!" said the boy's mother, "I've told him a hundred times not to wear his father's clothes!"
A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right
through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed,
"I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize,
and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor,
and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," The husband replied.
"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a Genie,
and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me,
I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but, if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie to the wife. "You've got it; it's the least I can do.
And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?"
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country In the world," she said.
"Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary
and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a
thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune,
and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune,
I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying
each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over,
looked directly into her eyes, and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.
"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?"
I'm the DJ at HM Revenue & Customs Xmas party this year.
I wonder if my records will be safe
Husband: When I fight with you,
you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven.
When at the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur
to the throne room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours".
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish and play golf.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully,
and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the Cops,
but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't, and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.
Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "Her name is Sally, and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes . . ." he replied . . .
"She sells C cells down by the seashore."
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her
husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," the chick replied.
"But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it."
"Instead of divorcing him why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. " Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" (Scrolll down)
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " Me "
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and the lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mum could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges,
two loaves of bread, a magazine and some new blue jeans all for a dollar!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore. They got those video cameras everywhere you look."
We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was
fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of
insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!"
my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business
trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed
with his next-door neighbour.
"Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!"
"Go right ahead," was the reply. "The rest will do you good."
During our computer class, the teacher chastised
one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him
"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher tersely replied.
"Okay," he answered, "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"
Judith picks a firm of solicitors from the Yellow Pages and makes an appointment to see someone from their Family department.
"How can I help you, madam?" asks the solicitor.
"Is it true," asks Judith, "that if I get divorced, I'm entitled to 50% of all of my husband's possessions?"
"Well," the solicitor replies, "the law firm would get their fee, of course, but even after this payment, it is usually the case that the woman ends up receiving at least 50%, maybe a bit more, of her husband's entire assets. So tell me, are you ready for a divorce at this moment?"
"Oh no," replies Judith, "I need to find a husband first."
Judith meets Isaac at a dance and they seem to hit it off quite nicely - so much so that they agree to go out for a
meal the following night. Isaac says he will pick her up at her house at 8pm.
The following evening, Judith spends quality time getting herself ready for what she hopes will be the start of a new romance. Finally, she is ready. She walks over to the mirror and looks at herself. What she sees is an attractive, sexy, well made-up young woman, wearing a low-cut but very chic evening dress, matching satin shoes, and the vintage pearl necklace and matching ear-rings her bubbeh gave her. She is pleased with what she sees and sits down to wait for Isaac.
But she is very disappointed when 8pm arrives and there's no sign of him. She continues to wait in hope, but there's still no Isaac. At 9.30pm, Judith gives up. Crying, she runs upstairs to the bathroom and roughly wipes off all her
make-up, smudging her lipstick over her mouth. But she doesn't care. She goes into her bedroom, changes out of
her lovely dress and puts on her dressing gown. Finally, she takes off her shoes, puts on her slippers and goes downstairs to watch TV.
But as soon as she sits down, the doorbell rings. When Judith opens it, there stands Isaac with a bunch of flowers in his hand. He looks at Judith with a worried look on his face and says to her, "Judith, what's going on? I'm nearly two hours late, .. and you're still not ready?"
|A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm................. and collected.|
For months a little boy had been pestering his dad to take him to the zoo. Eventually dad gives in and off they go.
When they get back the boy's mother asks him if he had a good time. "It was great," replies the boy, "and daddy had fun too, especially when one of the animals came home at 50-1
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques,
and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she
nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray.... "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto. Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
The next day she prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good Servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket."
A Minnesota farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted." "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' "?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question By this time,
the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his favourite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning' and groanin'.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning' and groanin'
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
"Now what the hell would you say?!"
Lessons For Women About Men.....
~ If you want a nice man, go for a bald one ... they try harder.
~ Go for younger men. You might as well ... they never mature anyway.
~ A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
~ Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the do-it- yourself types.
~ Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman.
~ There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong, caring, loving ...
they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
~ Men's brains are like the prison system ... not enough cells per man.
~ Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
~ Men are like animals ... messy, insensitive and potentially violent but they make great pets!
~ Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
~ Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's.
~ The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've gotten sick of him.
~ There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men ... don't and "stop" (but not used together).
~ Men are all the same ... they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
A priest was being honoured at his retirement
dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a
little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to
a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,
when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents,
embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled,
but as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish
full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began
to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of
being the first person to go to him for confession."
Some flying humour
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore, SR-71 pilot
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky.'
-From an old carrier sailor
'If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter - and therefore, unsafe..'
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the
scene of the crash.'
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
These are closely followed by instances of 'Hey, watch this...'
'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you .'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible.'
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there.'
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, ' What happened?' The pilot's reply,
'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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